“My Cold, Dead Hand"

“Hello, this is the Compaq Service Center.”

“Yah, see, I bought this Compaq laptop from Office Max six weeks ago.  Along with a four-year extended warranty.  Last night, the hard drive on the computer failed.”

“Did you call Office Max?”

“Yes, three times.  They told me to call you. This 800 number.”

“OK, please give me the computer’s serial number and……”

PHONE goes dead.Dialing. Redialing.  Busy signals.  Redials.

“Hello, this is the Compaq Service Center.”

“OK, someone there just hung up on me.  (Repeats story.)”

“Let’s see how we can help you.  Now from what you say, your Compaq laptop  is on warranty.”

“Warranty?  The thing’s six weeks old!  I have a four-year service agreement.  I HOPE it’s on warranty!”

“Well, just give me those computer serial numbers again, Sir, and your credit card number. It’s simply and easy: You take out the defective hard drive.  Send to us.  And we’ll send you a new hard drive in the mail.

How’s that?”

“What da ya want my credit card number for?”

“For the ‘hold.’”

“’Hold? You wanna put a ‘hold’ on my credit card?  For what?  How much?”

“Just to be sure you send us that old hard drive.”

“How much is the hold?”

“Hmmmmm.  I’d don’t know.  Can you hold two minutes?  Thank you.”

(18 MINUTES LATER, cell phone against my ear; probably getting ear and brain cancer from the radiation.”

“Hello?  Hello?  Yes, sir, that hold on your credit card will be for $299.95.”

“Compaq man.   That’s almost more than I PAID for the laptop.  You’ll have to pry that credit card out of my cold, dead hand.”

"Well, we wouldn't want to haf ta' do that, ha. ha, now would we, Sir?  Didn't work for Charlton Heston."